No Games On This Throne, Please.

Friday, November 13, 2015 Of Minds And Mixtapes 4 Comments


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Where have all the (good) manners gone? 

My recent stint in freelancing has acquainted me with roads far and wide, beyond the sunny state of Goa to the rather green city of Bengaluru in the South and the relatively grey city of Mumbai in the North (Okay, not very far and not very wide). Which means I got to clock a lot of kilometres on my odometer, which in turn means there was a lot of refueling, a lot of coffee breaks, meal breaks and the inevitable potty breaks. So I have seen a fair share of Petrol pumps, cafés, restaurants and their restrooms.


Now you might be wondering what I'm getting at. Well, I know it's considered unladylike to publicly talk about restroom endeavours but let's face it, I'm not exactly known for my ladylike ways. Besides, it's time us adults broach these crucial restroom etiquette before the shit goes out the window. Like literally.

With little reservation, I take this time to go over things I assumed all of us are taught as kids. I was sorely mistaken. So here I am doing my bit to remedy it.
Mr. Modi, kindly note, this is my contribution to the #swachchbharat campaign.
You are welcome.
Guideline 1: Once you approach a restroom stall and the door is closed, knock! Most stall doors have locking mechanisms of some kind, but you have to remember the keyword here is 'most'. So if you walk up and push those doors like they're some swinging doors at the police station, don't be surprised if you find a rather vexed Meenakshi Aunty or Uncle George; not to mention, mid-business.

This one club actually had "Open door slowly" written on its ladies' restroom door. I'm not sure why. The bouncer didn't know why either. I can only imagine why they'd put up a sign like that --- If the door is opened too fast, the women fixing their faces in the mirror freeze like a deer caught in the headlights, and resume whatever they were doing once the door closes. Or some crazy woman likes to kick restroom doors open, looking for goblins that lurk in the restroom because we all know goblins need a bathroom break. I just found that sign odd.

Anyways, moving on--

Guideline 2: For the love of everything holy, flush! You did it; it is yours; stay with it till it's gone. I don't care if you have to yank that flush handle like you're at the casino trying to win your pension from a slot machine. Nobody likes to come in and see your turd doing the breaststroke.
Oh, and make sure your entire behind is centered on the drop zone. WTF, folks?! Are you twerking in there?

Speaking of: At midnight, when the clock strikes twelve, almost all restrooms in the Candolim-Baga-Arpora hive begin to bear testimony to the high spirited party animals that have walked through their doors. These animals, I have reason to believe, are painting in there. Potvaliancy really brings out their inner Picasso.
Dear Pee Picassos, this type of artwork is not required.

Which brings me to--

Guideline 3: You are creative. I get that. I also understand you can get bored sitting there. But if you're sitting there long enough to write an abstract for a dubious PhD thesis or a running column on a Ron Jeremy version of the Global SDGs on the walls, you might wanna see a doctor. No seriously, eat some chikoos man! Dietary changes ought to be considered; go for the high-fibre stuff. You're not there on a holiday; others need to use the loo too. Be considerate. And why are you taking markers in with you anyway?

Guideline 4: Wash your hands. I've seen some people just come out of the stall and walk pass the wash basins like they've just peed holy water. You didn't. Look up "sanitary". After that see "hygienic".

Guideline 5: For when you visit those "ladies-cum-gents" restrooms. Dear Gents, have some civility and aim for the inside of the commode. Keyword: inside. It would be nice if you could lift up the toilet seat too.
How can one shoot a deer from 40 yards but can't seem to aim right standing 3 feet above a toilet bowl that’s roughly 15 inches in diameter? I am not asking you to be Abhinav Bindra, I'm just requesting you to not be Helen Keller.

Guideline 6: If you comb your hair or shave in the wash basin, clean up after yourself. Wipe the hair up with some tissues or paper towels. Nobody likes to walk up to a wash basin that looks like it had been used by Chewbacca.  Also, how does one get hair onto the wash basin mirror? Do you rub your head or beard or armpit against the mirror?

Guideline 7: You can flush down that toilet paper. Don't tuck it behind the flush tank or in the stall window, and don't throw it on the floor. No need to keep that for posterity. The government doesn't want to collect these used toilet papers and analyse them to check if we Indians are eating beef. They are not there yet. Nobody likes to walk into a stall that resembles our streets a day after Diwali, except strewn with used toilet paper rather than cracker wastes. Not cool, people.

You're probably thinking I'm talking about those dhabas with dark stinky lavatories infested with mosquitoes, which you are occasionally forced to visit due to the fault in your stars; precariously balancing yourself while the mosquitoes have at your exposed behind. Nope, those dhaba restrooms weren't my source of inspiration. You'd be surprised how some civilized looking cafés and pubs, hotels with the word 'International' in their name, and a few dozen Petrol pumps can do a Jekyll-and-Hyde on you. Okay, it's their patrons. Same difference.

Can't we all just act like we have a little common sense and a tad bit of courtesy? The standard of cleanliness that some people consider normal never fails to shock and amaze me, and if I didn't see it for myself I just simply would not believe it.


4 comments:

  1. I just finished a road trip to Kolkata, and I witnessed what you wrote about. Another thing I noticed is people on the phone, while doing their business.

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    1. Yeah, I've come across these characters too... The weird part is when they take the stall right next to yours even if the other stalls are vacant (and equally clean/messy). It's like they're in constant need of company.

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  2. what about women?... they can leave their women things (you knw wat i mean0 here and there ? women are also animals. They comb their hair in the basin and the hole gets blocked. And why do ladies toilet have big mirrors? Many questions can be asked on this topic. lady should ask first lady

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    1. "Women things"? (I don't know what you mean :|) Time has indeed conspired to make many uncomfortable about periods and it's ancillaries. If you're talking about sanitary pads, I know some seem to lack the know-how to manage their time of the month with grace.
      "Women are also animals?" Okay, I excuse this since you've used the word "also" which would imply that women's counterpart, and the only other of the human species, men, are animals.
      I don't know anything about the mirror parity. And lastly, the First Lady is dead. See: http://goo.gl/famLxH

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